40 New Times

Above is a draft for a new template change. I'm finding myself missing my original template, though! (The one with the rows of little green owls judging you serenely.) As much as I tried to draft a sophisticated layout, a whimsical design seems to appeal to my inner senses more :(

I tried to find ways to update this site because I'd really love for it to be more lively than it is right now but I seem to have lost the knack for expository writing/ blogging about anything other than fashion. But I will try! :))

On the personal front, my grades really plunged this block tests, and I'm still trying to figure out why. For the first time, I'm at the end of the "but I studied, I really did" stick (bar Math). For Econs, all that studying seemed to pay off, but I'm not very sure about KI and Lit. As it is, I did unbelievably badly for KI, but I haven't gotten my papers yet, only the numerical grade on ISP, so I'm hoping hoping hoping it's a typo. And as it is, without getting my papers back, I can't analyze where I went wrong, although I'm predicting it's a case of pride before a fall, since I did quite well for my section A prac right before the test.

Pride seems to have been my greatest fault this term. I've been plugging away at whatever Math tutorials come my way since then, although this could be due to the fact that I like statistics more than integration. As for Lit and KI, I guess the path I'm on is the right one-- just that the fruits of my labour aren't the most visible as yet.

Found myself waking up all depressed and grumpy this Sunday morning-- the result of both a nightmare involving hiding in a closet during WWII and seeing my KI results online last night. Strangely and wonderfully enough, attending morning church uplifted my spirits. It's Vocational Sunday, which really resonates during this difficult time period when I'm trying to figure out who and what I want to be (two different things, I must point out). I love it when homilies and hymns appeal directly to the mood you're going through that Sunday.

Today, two things stood out for me:

  1. During the Homily, Father quoted Mother Teresa's "Do small things with great love." It's an oft-quoted phrase that only jumped out at me now. I realized all along I have been looking to do great things, and that really wears you down. Expectations harm you just as much as the negative results, if not more. Father also mentioned that just as we try to lead our best lives, we must also be a beacon of light for others. I think it's important to do that, not in a religious way, but to be the kind of person others look up to. I've been bugged down by horrible feelings of pride and jealousy lately, and it's not at all like me -- or at least, that's what I'd like to think. I have to keep reminding myself to be light, and keep love my focus, not petty envy. Conscience makes these negative feelings even worse. I just hope I can keep this peace at my fingertips in the future, and not just on rainy, serene Sundays. Always stay on the side of light, it feels much better there. 
  2. One of my favourite hymns- We Will Rise Again (click for lyrics). It reminds me that not just JC life, but my whole life, is a very, very long path and it's just silly to get depressed over something so small. Today's Mass really helped me see the bigger picture and realize the only way to go from here is up. So I did badly, okay, I can improve from here and what I've got to do is work harder, harder, harder. My path ahead suddenly seemed so much clearer. I've got to stop thinking about how I failed myself and failed those who have supported me/expected highly of me, and just concentrate on how I can work to get myself back up there. 
I guess part of the hurt is that I expected better of myself. But once I reconcile myself to the fact that anybody can fail at any time, it seems easier to accept that you can't be guaranteed of consistent marks all the time. But what you can do is try. And always keep sight of the bigger picture: this is not easy, it's not meant to be easy, and you're not doing as badly as you think you are.

This post is as much for me as it is for my readers. I hope my future self reads this again and again. I still feel hurt at my marks, but it's healing now. I'll conclude with a wonderful quote by Mother Teresa,
“If you are humble, nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.”

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