129 Old Gold

Photo taken by me; do not repost without credit.
Because life goes on and July afternoons turn to old gold...
-Graham Swift, 'Waterland'
(I can't believe that book is no longer my exam text. But I still appreciate Swift's lyrical moments, even if they are more than occasionally stuffed down your throat.)

One week of official freedom has gone by already! I can't believe how fast time flies, cliched as that sounds. Recently some events have happened that have made me question exactly how much I have grown and the strength of my commitment to the ethos mentioned in this post, that God's call does not require achievements. Sometimes I can't help but second guess myself and think that I was so much better two years ago; but then I have to remind myself of all the times I tried to be someone I wasn't, and how miserable that made me feel. There is no doubt I have grown somehow more introverted, readier to think than act, but hopefully, "[the day will come] when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." (Anais Nin) There is no glory in acting on the impulse and failing to take into consideration other people's feelings, but there is also no glory in thinking too much of other people's opinions and never getting up as a consequence. I guess I'm still finding that rickety balance.

It's a balance that also needs to be found on my own, without the need to bring anyone down with me. It is so much easier to feel better about yourself when someone else is doing equally, if not more, crappily. But, as Nick Joaquin said, “... the moment you start thinking of yourself alone, absolutely alone, and related to nothing and to no one, you realize it’s silly to worry and fuss over what you are. You are simply what you are. And you feel as if you had closed a door forever on everything that’s unpleasant.” 

My parents have both asked me, Do you have a back-up plan? And by that, they mean "a back-up plan other than Law", because, as much as I have applied to certain universities as my 'back-up', I have seldom considered what I would do if I do not get into Law. It's a tough call, especially since two years ago, I hadn't even considered Law as my final option, and now, it seems so unmoveable. Sometimes I find it hard to justify why I want to go into Law --a trip-up I hope won't happen in my interviews-- but apart from it appealing to the side of me that likes justice, responsibility, and respectability, I also like how it seems to combine my conflicting sides: the rational (sometimes coldly so) side of me that is always harsh on myself, and the emotional side of me that leads me to want to listen to, and tell, stories.

I said I hoped I would reconcile myself with whatever results I get, and this is going to be hard because even one week after freedom I'm still going through some papers in my head, thinking of things I should have written. It's going to be so much easier to reconcile with if I still get into a Law course I'd like. And as noble as it would be to pledge to reconcile myself with my results whatever happens, I'm still hoping for the best.

Perhaps my New Year's resolution next year should be to stop comparing myself with the 2%.

In the meantime, as I did not manage to secure the internship I wanted, I will have to start looking out for jobs I can do. During my exams I couldn't wait to begin-- think of all the myriad possibilities!-- but somehow I feel the sword of judgment coming down upon me, and I fear my greatest fear is not the lack of companionship but being so weighed down by what others think of me that I may never be able to fly.

A very moody post for a quite moody, a little sleepy, me. Sorry if you came here looking for something cheery! I might post some Polyvore sets next as a mood-booster, then.

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